There are times when you are forced to grow as a person. Often times, you grow apart or away from something that once used to be so familiar to you — second nature if you will. I recently went through this experience on my own and it was both demanding, heartbreaking and enlightening. Without going into much detail of what actually transpired, I’ll try to write something about it because it shifted something in me and changed me as a human being forever.
I recently parted ways with my best friend. It was a very abrupt situation, it was messy and in its own way contrived. It made me open my eyes to my errors as a human being and helped me receive a better understanding of how people around me see me. We parted ways after I got married because of different interests and different places in life, but it was enlightening to me, I got to hear how my actions and my attitude affects other human beings in a way that I had never thought it would.
To be frank, I don’t divulge into my mental health issues much with my real life friends, because I come off completely insane, with little control over my emotions. I live in a place where emotions are a negative thing to display, where mental health is very much on the down low and not spoken about. Even though I am a huge advocate for speaking out about mental health, there are just some situations and relationships where I have hidden the issue because I don’t want to be different. But I let my emotions control a big part of my life, much bigger than I want. The last year has been fucking rough. Between planning a wedding, deaths, personal stuff, friendships being worn down to the bones – it’s just been a lot in 2016. I must say that I haven’t been as stable as I have wanted, I fell into a several month long depression and really struggled to get out. I didn’t want to inconvenience my friends or those around me seeing as I kind of felt obligated to feel happier than ever because I got married. So I kept to myself and let my thoughts shred a gaping hole in my chest, ever growing and consuming me until I was nothing but a ball of stress, depression and anxiety. This went on for most of 2016 and culminated in a breakdown before our wedding day, I almost called it off because my anxiety was so bad.
During this time, I did not act like myself nor did I recognise myself in my actions or my erratic mind. I was also terminated from therapy because I had initially done very well and there’s a limit to how much therapy one can stand. Seeing as I struggled with some stress in my personal relationship with my then fiancé, I unwillingly let it bleed all over my other relationships. I let it push me further into the dark place where all I can do is drown in my own negative thinking. My friends noticed that something was up, but never asked me what was wrong, all I know is that there has been some talk about me in some settings where I have seemed unattainable or not really “there”. Looking back I completely agree and there are many things I should have done, many things I should have said or left unsaid but it’s sadly over and done with. The aftermath as of recent months is that I have lost my network. I don’t have the friends I used to, I don’t have the social network I once had. And it’s really saddening when you lose something you have been taking for granted, when there are so many regrets and painful things you should have said. But, there is the element of closure which I am giving myself as of this month. I have struggled with coming to terms with the loss of my friends, grieving it because I can never get it back. We’re just too different and if it wasn’t this that drove us apart, it would have been something else. At least it’s a comfort knowing that it would probably have ended some way or another, seeing as they had a view of me as a very dull and unenthusiastic person and our gatherings all had one element in common; drinking alcohol. I have, as I have stated before, a very complicated relationship to alcohol. I either drink for the wrong reasons and in abhorrent amounts, which affects everything negatively.
Closing a chapter that I have known all my life, that I have grown with and knowing what I know now about life I see now how easy it is to form a friendship – but also how fast one can grow apart. I’m not saying it’s been easy to accept this, but there is a certain comfort in the storm, knowing that we parted ways in a civil manner and that we’re not filled with animosity. At least I’m not.
So that was my short comeback to this blog. To be completely honest, I want to delete all of this sometimes. But in another way, it’s the only rendition of my life that is so concise, sometimes I scroll through this for hours and can’t remember writing these posts, but I appreciate them so immensely because it’s the diary written while I went through the hardest times in my life, and serve as a way for me to reflect on what it used to be like, to see how much I have grown as a person and an adult.